Validating Love And Other Misconceptions.

Validating Love And Other Misconceptions.

Ever since the concept of Valentine’s Day, a day dedicated solely to love, started gaining prominence in our conservative society there has been a lot of hue and cry made over love. There have been anti-love groups, the so called Romeo squads roaming around the cities trying to catch people who are making love to each other in public spaces and in quid pro quo, the mushrooming  pro-love groups who have been trying to reclaim the public spaces for private acts, in this case kissing in public to cock-a-snook at the guardians of public morality who feel threatened by these lewd acts in public to which children might get accidentally exposed and heaven forbid, grow up believing that snogging in public is not anathema in our day to day life. Much as I sympathize with those who have no immediate access to a private space to conduct private business (I wouldn’t call the marina beach entirely private, although it does offer some space) I am forced to agree with the guardians of our morality and say “get a room guys” for some things are just too icky to be done in public- wet slobbering kisses hidden under dupattas for instance.

Which brings me to the primary point of this post- who was the bright spark who decided that love has to be celebrated with kissing? I would understand if valentine’s day was a day declared as a kissing day and then people celebrated it by kissing each other (and random strangers, if permitted) in public like they supposedly do in Central Park, New York (disclaimer: the farthest I have been to is Nanganallur, so I don’t actually have any evidence they do this in New York, just hearsay from click bait news sites). But for a day dedicated to celebrating love, why do you have to validate love by making kissing as a proof of concept? This and other misconceptions on love are what I am going to discuss in my next few thousand words, so if you are already feeling bored, go take a nap and come back for the climax.

In my humble opinion (there- I said it, even though I believe that my opinion is anything but humble) the crux of this entire problem lies in equating love with marriage.  With marriage and its attendant burdens like chastity, fidelity, honesty etc. Love, independent love, is fettered with chains by insisting on it being directed solely with the purpose of gaining or retaining a mate. No longer does our society permit us to love inanimate things (say a Bugatti Veyron) or cross-species love (your favorite pet dog) or even love for nature- when you are captivated by a beautiful sunset and just can’t turn away from the glorious sight of the sun sinking slowly into the sea. But no, those are not claimed as love nowadays, love means solely between man and woman geared towards marriage or sex.

So let me reiterate my point again –love is different, marriage is different and sex is different. There is absolutely no natural link between these three- each can exist quite well independently. Unfortunately our brains have been so brain washed by society that pure love should end in a wedding that the very definition of love has been split into “pure love” and “impure love”. The one which ends up in shackling two people together in lifelong matrimony is exclusively called pure love while others are termed illegal love. You are supposed to fall in love only once in your lifetime. You are supposed to end up marrying the person you fell in love with. And once when you are in love with someone, you are forbidden to fall in or out of love with anyone else, even accidentally. All these restrictions and rules have been framed to make sure that “love stays pure”. Any deviation from these set rules is immediately classified as crime against society.

All this constant moral harassment by society has made large swathes of our population believe that this is indeed love. Love means writing love letters, sending smiley’s on instant messengers, talking nonsense for hours together, hugging each other, kissing each other, having sex with each other and finally marrying each other. That’s the be-all and end-all of love. And this design includes a happy ending- a love marriage.  All the above related activities- hugging, kissing, sex are considered the perks of love and hence more and more people believe that this is what love is all about. And that’s why they frown on any deviation from the set template –like loving more than one person at the same time or loving one person while having sex with another person etc. all of which are labeled as not pure love. Those who believe in such drivel -that kissing or sex is equal to love will never ever realize what love is all about.

True love, false love, pure love, impure love, legal love, illegal love- so many labels for what is just a simple emotion- an expression of happiness that someone else brings into our lives. In fact, you don’t even need the presence of anyone else to experience love- just your thoughts and memories will suffice- a smile on your face when you can recall that beautiful stranger you bumped into yesterday at the supermarket is also love if you broaden the definition of love. Its love when your dog rushes up to lick your face when you come home at the end of the day. Its love even when you express your love to someone else and they turn you down flat- that single second of suspense when your heart soars high in anticipation- that too is love.  Love is just that- an emotion. Don’t make it into something it is not. Don’t hang too many things on it. Don’t make it mandatory to end up in a wedding for it to be love. Just let it be as it is and leave it to two people to decide how they want it to be.

Finally I would ask you to look up into the sky and tell me what you see- some will see the long dark night sky with its infinite darkness. Some will see the stars twinkling bright- scattered here and there. And some will see the full moon – dominating the dark. Love is like that- for some it’s the darkness, for someone else it’s the stars and for the lucky few it’s the bright silvery moon. Judge not what each person sees- it’s their space so just leave them be. Thanks for a patient reading- that’s if you got up to this point.


Part 2 of The 20/80 Principle- Sex In The City

Part 2 of The 20/80 Principle- Sex In The City


As I said in my last post, the vocal minority of 20% drowns out the rest of the silent majority and in turn the ever sniffing dogs of the yellow media pick up these so called social media influencers rabid and contrarian views and highlight them as the views of the common man everywhere. Case in point- sex. Now I agree that sex sells and the more you write about sex the more eyeball catching it is. But why not write the truth about sex? Won’t that sell too? Why just the sensational stuff which makes a mockery of the real thing is the question on my mind when it comes to the biased media reporting on sex which strives to make us all look like sex crazy maniacs with nothing else on our minds 24/7. This kind of crap reporting on sex has the side effect of making many gullible people to believe in these lies and half truths which the media propagates and disperse them to others as gospel truth and worse to practice it in their everyday life. Case in point- a friend of mine who ogles at every passing female and her body parts- legs, buttocks cleavage it matters not. When I questioned him whether he really felt a necessity to lust after every single random female who passes us, he gave me a honest to god explanation on how it was necessary to keep in touch with your sexual side by craving for sex all the time otherwise, and I am quoting directly here, if you are too good a person and don’t lust after sex, how will you satisfy your wife after marriage?. And this is precisely the point I am trying to make here.

This insistence by the mainstream yellow media for the past several years that Indian wives (leave alone house wives) are not satisfied in sex by their husbands but are indeed looking to have affairs and orgasms with other men is the very raison d’être of this post.  Indian women or just women in general are not such sex starved persons as depicted by the media. Women don’t choose to have affairs just to orgasm- there are lots of other factors involved when a woman chooses to cheat on her lawfully wedded spouse.  And this constant sniping at male’s confidence in the guise of how will you satisfy your wife after marriage, leads to more questions than answers in the average male mind and is directly responsible for licentiousness behaviors like ogling, catcalling or even rape just so a man learns how to satisfy a woman, any woman, even if she is a total stranger and is not willing to indulge in intercourse with him. This constant sniping at fragile male ego’s, this undermining of male confidence has only resulted in longer queues in divorce courts. It has not taught the male that women need more than multiple orgasms and night long intercourse to be satisfied with marriage.

Satisfying a woman via sex is just an urban myth, something like buying your wife or girlfriend diamonds to apologize or whisking away to bali islands if your forgot her birthday. All these are the works of marketing gurus and creative minds at ad agencies who are trying to hard sell sex to the more mundane minded average Indian male or female partner. Collateral damage to these “profit alone” minded marketing geniuses are the irreversible damage to society and marriages caused by the gullible believing that their wives are indeed sex craved and need to be satisfied constantly and so let’s start learning on the streets with other women- any random woman in a vulnerable place to be exploited .

So to come back to my original premise, the title of this post- just as all men are not rapists, likewise all women are not sex crazy nymphos  as made out in posts by prominent social media experts and picked and highlighted by mainstream media as indicative of women’s mindset. If you talk to a regular average woman, as I have done repeatedly, they are more worried about more mundane things like work, peer pressure, office politics, compensation packages, misunderstanding with family members etc. They seek more supportive spouses who would help them achieve more at work than look for husbands who can “satisfy” them in intercourse. Sex is secondary to everyday life concerns in total contrast to what the vocal minority bleat about on media.

So let’s totally disregard these keyboard warriors who constantly seem to set the agenda for everyone else and give due credence to the real aam admi or aurat who may not air their views on sex in public but know what they want and know what’s important and what’s not for a happy married life in the real world. Sexual deprivation is overrated and is only media overkill. Everyone is getting enough sex even if they don’t talk about it or even think about it. The only ones deprived are the depraved and there is no solution for them except to snatch away their keyboards and smart phones and ask them to look at the real world all around them. And to shut the hell up and not speak for everyone else.

The Happy Barter Technique Of A Successful Married Life

The Happy Barter Technique Of A Successful Married Life

So I often find myself in the incredible position of having the “sex talk” with adults (who should know better) far many more times than I like to. For someone who rarely gets to have sex it’s so hard to understand how I find myself in this position of giving advice on hmmmm…positions and what not. I mean if you ask me flat out what makes me such an expert on sex (other than the fact that I am hung up so large?) I would just have to shake my head and say I don’t know- you just have to ask those poor mutts who keep consulting me for counseling. Anyways to get back to the story at hand – a couple days ago this guy who is a recent acquaintance walks into the room and sinking down comfy on the sofa says he is fed up of his wife and plans to divorce her. When I probed gently as to why he became so fed up of the wifey he confessed that lately everything at home felt strange, foreign and like a mall…I kid you not ladies and gents- he used the term “like a mall”….

Now this could not go unopposed- despite my better sense telling me not to probe further and get told another unwanted sob story I asked him to elaborate the meaning of the mall. He said “you know “the buy me this or buy me that” if you want to have sex tonight thing”. I demurely shook my head and said “I don’t…know I mean, anyway don’t tell me you didn’t buy gifts for her while you were courting, a mobile phone for a kiss, stuff like that which fool men in love do”. He grinned sheepishly and said “yeah, but that was then, this is now. Back then I was a carefree bachelor, now I have to support a family- wife and kids you know, school fees, uniforms, books, tuitions and all that and in addition to all that- paying money for sex every time sticks in my craw, I mean its not cheap- even if its at home”. I nodded wisely- “yes of course it’s not cheap- if you want to do it every night, so why don’t you just stick to salary nights, you know, the way they show in Tamil films- the salary cover, jasmine flower, tirunelvi alwa thingy?”

He looked at me as if I couldn’t grasp his internal anguish at all and said – “but then what’s the point of being married? If you cant have it as often as you want? And have to pay for it every time?” I shook my head sagely and said – “ha, ha that’s where you are wrong- marriage is not a license for just sex- there are a lot more stuff involved. And it’s a fact of life that you – the man has to pay for sex every time- accept it -it will make your life easier in the long run. By the bye an unmarried man can pay for sex with different persons every time- a married man has to by default pay for sex with the same woman every time- that how society has evolved from the apes to humans as a civilization. One way or the other we all have to pay for sex- so stop cribbing about it and go home to your wife. And here – I will forward you this sms I received from an unknown benefactor who promises to give personal loan of 10 lakhs without any collateral. Do talk to them and get the amount- should suffice you for sex with your wife for the next ten years. And after that, who knows? Let’s hope she gives you something free and extra- as customer loyalty bonus. Best of luck dude”. With which I ended the lecture and showed him the way back to the bosom of his….errr…loving family

P.S. if any of you ladies who are reading this get incensed at me for writing this candid expose, please put your hand over your heart and ask yourself if you have ever, never used the “withholding sex technique” to get something else from your hubby dearest? If not- I salute you. If yes- It’s all in the family, right?

Infidelity, Infertility and Adultery- The Elephant in The Room

Infidelity, Infertility and Adultery- The Elephant in The Room elephant-in-the-room-audialtempartem

Disclaimer: This post contains graphic descriptions of sexual acts and hence is not suitable for those below 18 years or for prudes.

This post is going to be about the elephant in the room, more specifically in the bedroom- that big hefty animal looming over the bed but which no one talks about loudly. Yes, this post is about that most delicate of issues which affects a relationship – sexual compatibility between couples. Now that the brief explanation for the title is out of the way let’s get to the actual story.

For the past three days I was temporarily loaned out to a different hospital – don’t ask me why because it’s a state secret. Which meant that the regulars there didn’t trust me (and others like me) enough to allow us to work with their patients. Which in turn meant that I had plenty of time on my hand to catch up with a few other friends who were in the same situation. In particular a friend of mine I hadn’t stayed in touch with much for the past couple of years, ever since he got married, for as everyone knows, when once a guy marries he is lost to the brotherhood of the single men and gradually avoids all his single friends preferring instead to hang out in couples groups.

Anyway I was meeting this guy after a long time and we swapped updates on our respective life stories- mine was easily told as it was just a single line – no I am still single and yes I still haven’t found any girl willing to go long term with me. But his story kept changing over the course of the two days with each telling adding new details. At first he said he was happily married and enjoying life and even though he had no kids yet it was all planned for. And then as he drifted over other topics and came back again to his life he slow started dropping hints about trouble in paradise. As one of my characteristic habits in life is never to force a story out of anyone but wait for them to tell it their own way at their own time, he slowly came around to confessing that he was halfway through a divorce and the reason for it was sexual incompatibility between him and his soon to be ex-wife.

Now sexual incompatibility between married couples is often the elephant in the room when it comes to most divorces. People may say a lot of causes and give a lot of reasons later on for why it didn’t work but underlying all that is often the simple fact that the two persons sexual appetites didn’t match. In the case of my friend it was the simple fact that his wife didn’t factor in the need for sex of a virile thirty year old. She had assumed that a man is satisfied with just looking at a good looking woman, taking her out shopping, going to movies and malls, holding hands together and then going home to sleep soundly. As any half wit would tell you that doesn’t work at all. If you starve a man at home then you can be sure that he is going to find food somewhere else to eat- no exceptions- the male brain (and physiology) works that way. Conversely if a woman plans to keep a man safely around (at beck and call) – the best way to do it is to feed him breakfast, lunch and dinner and keep him satiated (plus sedated) all the time. If not then look out for trouble.

south-indian-food-on-leafWhich was what happened with my friend too. He had joined a part-time mba at madras university and somehow had made an instant connection with one of the lecturers there- a good looking young lady (note to self: remember to apply for MBA entrance next year) and pretty soon the two were inseparable. the young lady in question seems to have provided an enthusiastic full meals all the time to my friend who had after eating such tasty stuff and realizing for the first time in his life that food provided freely with enthusiasm (instead of after coaxing, cajoling and begging) could taste so much better and especially compared to when its thrown your way halfheartedly out of a sense of duty (are you still following my food metaphors or should I be more explicit??) So he had decided to go for an exciting new life with the MBA lecturer while divorcing his always demanding but never providing wife.

This is why the wise say that those who eat a full course meal at home will never feel the need to stray outside. But if any wife acts like a queen (inside the bedroom) who will only grant an audience to the poor public based on her whims and fancies then there are chances that the public might rebel (remember the french revolution) and get themselves a new head of state. I would blame this squarely on feminists and other assorted busybodies who have forced modern women to swallow the lie that marriage at its most basic does not involve sex between two people. They want everyone to lead a sexless intellectual marital life which might be a good concept theoretically but is not practical – if they really understood the male half of the population.

But our ancients were far more pragmatic when it came to sex issues in marriages. They knew that sexual compatibility in marriages were most necessary and put their wits to devise ways to check it pre-marital’ly. As our samskara culture prohibited free sex pre-marital’ly there was no way to directly check for compatibility in bed between the prospective groom and bride. Hence our ancients invented a proxy premarital check via astrologic predictions when they compare the yoni and vasya matches between two horoscopes. Only if both the size and the vigour of both the horoscopes matched did they allow the wedding to proceed and most of the time such arranged wedding were a success too.

horoscope-match-11 Vivaga Chakra.audialtempartem marriage.poruthamNow for those who still don’t understand what I am talking about here- let me clarify that sex at its most basic has certain preliminary stages like intention, stimulation, lubrication before the actual sex act even commences. Intention is the wants of a person to indulge in sex – from as frequently as three times a day to as infrequently as three times a week. Some are Diurnal and some are Nocturnal- which means that one partner prefers to do it at night and then drop off to sleep while the other wants to do it first thing in the morning as the best way to start the day. And then there was a friend of mine who often went home during the lunch hour and returned later in the afternoon- it takes all kinds doesn’t it? So, when the couples match each other in their appetites for sex- then one partner does not have to ask (or convince or beg or finally force) the other for sex – they both want it equally and enjoy it with a “no favors done” mentality. Otherwise it’s a constant cajoling for sex and its resultant bitter aftermath, for make no mistake if someone has to beg for sex then he or she will definitely hold a grudge for it and show it in other ways (of course, once the sex is done).

The next stage is stimulation which not only involves foreplay but more importantly lubrication – for only when there is full mental acquiescence then there is the necessary internal lubrication to enjoy sex- otherwise it’s just like rape-do it dry. If there is even a minor bit of resentment over any other family issue (when in bed) then there is no real lubrication- and goodbye good sex. This is where so many women go wrong as they bring all other issues to the bedroom and allow it to play on their minds. And this mental turning off in bed can act as a physical dampener to lubrication despite enthusiastic foreplay- sometimes foreplay which leaves the other partner exhausted before the actual sex even starts yet there is still no lubrication.

Mind Over matter .audialtempartemThis is what had happened in my above-mentioned friend’s case. His wife was mostly dry during sex because she was always moody and brooding on other things in bed and he was no longer willing to spend the majority of his time and effort to coax her into getting a little wet just so he can have a few minutes of sex. And then as fate would have it he had met this other woman who could get wet at just a thought or a kiss, giving him ecstatic instant sex requiring no hard work, then can we blame him for preferring to take the easy option? The “real reason” he confessed for the divorce was the perfect sexual syncing between his new girlfriend and him leading to mind-blowing sex, something which he had failed to achieve at home even after three years of marriage and continuous efforts on his part.

Now for those readers who are grumbling that I am writing this post mainly from a male-centric view and not about the problems faced by women in such sexually incompatible marriages let me assure you that I am getting round to it next. Anyone who lives in Chennai would be aware of the slang phrase “the desperate housewives of OMR”. No, it’s not a TV serial. It’s a slang term which refers to the increasing (explosively) number of failed marriages of the OMR/ECR belt – an industrial suburb of Chennai city known for its multitude of companies- where the housewives are all supposedly starved for sex and easy prey to any romeo looking to have an adulterous affair. The reason is rumored to be financial- the EMI/Debt Trap- as many of these suburban families are trapped in the EMI commitments of an apartment, car etc requiring the male of the family to work long, hard hours and come back home too exhausted to do anything else. Though money is important there are other things equally important too and how long can a wife take being neglected and going home to sleep not satisfied and so they stray into affairs.

exhaustedYou can’t really blame these suburban wives for indulging in their natural appetites occasionally on the sly, especially if the husband is too tired for sex at night (night after night) because of a crappy diet and the hours and hours of sitting down at a desk (staring at a computer) and the stress of beating deadlines which totally exhausts him mentally and even if he tries to do it occasionally he can’t as he mostly suffers from some form of erectile insufficiency which means he is not able to either get it up or sustain it long enough or its not firm enough for penetration on its own- called the floppy dick syndrome. With the result that such long suffering women indulge in extra-marital affairs leading to their husbands being labeled EMI-cuckolds or Code-cuckoos (short form for code writing husband being cuckolded at home). So the next time you notice someone who just passed by being cooed at by his colleagues at work you know the reason why.

So in conclusion (this post is getting too long) most marital fights can be reduced to the unvoiced reason of sexual incompatibility between couples which causes havoc in both lives and ends in ugly divorces. There is no easy solution for this except maybe to check compatibility through pre-marital sex like western societies which have detached sex from marriage. But as that is an alien concept to us in India where 90% of marriages take place just for having children couples who find themselves in disharmony sexually have to learn to live with it and adjust in other ways.

Not everyone can afford to divorce and go around looking for the perfectly in sync sex partner to marry. You just have to practice adjustment, tolerance and an obligation to put the needs of the other before ourselves. For that in a nutshell is the secret to a successful marriage- to show (or at least feign) enthusiasm for things which we may not really enjoy. And if someone gets a 5-course meal at home -home-cooked food served with love then you can depend on it that they are not going to look outside for anything else. And that brings to an end my sermon for the day.

foof-fullPost Script. I am neither married nor have a girlfriend nor even a crush right now and i even sleep with a pillow by my side and thus I have no axe to grind with this post and am doing this just as a public service message to save others marriages.