That Sphinx factor

 That Sphinx factor


You know what they say about men never “get”ing women?  Lately I am finding it’s the cent per cent truth- atleat wher I am concerned. I am finding it far more difficult to understand what women mean when they speak or send me a message on chat or even when they just stay silent than say that I am in understanding how the big bang theory is reconcoled with the unified string theory. The older I grow the more convinced I am that I just don’t get women- no not at all- even after knowing someone for ages. I keep making blunders in conversations and chats and the only way I realize I have tripped up is when I see that little ticked arrow which shows – last seen at but not replied thingie. Lately I I keep thinking all the time “What is this girl saying? Why doesn’t she come out- right out and say it in simple english?” and then I realize its probably lost in translation- maybe she is saying it out loud- but I am tone deaf to her voice and the fault is in me. Or maybe not. Its all quite confusing.

The thing is, I don’t mean that I want to decipher the secret language of women or anything like that – that would be far beyond my limited mental capacity. I simply want to understand what it’s like to BE her as a person- to get to know her likes and dislikes and maybe even her moods (over the longterm). The fact that women end up being so remote and mysterious from us humble men makes us forget that they too are fellow human beings and have the same set of problems we face too on a daily basis. Women are probably afraid, scared, anxious, worried, depressed and go through all those emotional turmoils from time to time just like we do and in the end all they desire is to find happiness and avoid pain like all human beings do. That I get. But what I cant get is why they cant just come out and tell this straight out- instead of leaving me to blunder about blindly and trying to second guess what they mean with all their silences and smileys and emoticons and hmmm, hmmm’s.

I understand that women have their own feelings, thoughts and opinions which they are disinclined to share to anyone but themsleves but it boils down to trust . Trusting someone and sharing your thoughts with them may make the average women uncomfortable because of their vulnerability but if you want us to get you- you should consider doing this. Accept it from me that men are short sighted and cant really think long term.  If you want us to understand you- do please come forward and spell it out to us in single syllables – anything else is beyond our EQ levels. So do take pity on us poor men and say it out loud- in 3 feet words. Please. Pretty please.


Relationship Status- Jump off the Precipice.

Relationship Status- Jump off the Precipice


So, yesterday I got a forward message on Watsapp which I shared on my Facebook wall – it went something like this- My Relationship Status: In-between heartbreak. I felt it was funny then (still do) and thought sharing it on my wall would bring my friends a few laughs. But when a friend asked me do I really believe in that, my answer was “Hell No”.  Let me explain myself fully dear reader, so show some patience and read on to the end.

Every time we get into a new relationship, scratch that we, and let’s begin again. Every time I get into a new relationship I do it with the full hope that this is it- this person is going to be my soul mate, this girl is who I am going to get old with and share memories with and all kinds of crazy adventures. Never, ever would I go in with the dreadful doubt that “oh god, this is also going to end soon isn’t it?” If we really do think like that when entering into a new relationship we would never be able to open up to the other person simply because we know we cant trust them not to hurt us.  And we are not sure they are worthy of our trust.

Those two words – trust and worth are the major players in any relationship- at least at the beginning- so let me go into a wee bit of detailed explanation on my take of those two. Do we need to trust only the worthy? And how do we judge someone’s worth? Everyday we trust people whose worth we don’t know and can’t assess personally- your bus driver for instance – everyday we take a bit of chance with people we don’t know. And can someone earn our trust perfectly? I am not sure. We are all distracted, diverted and flawed persons who even if unintentionally, can still hurt those we love with all our heart. Simply said- we all hurt each other all the time and to expect someone to never hurt us all our lives is to expect an angel to come down from heaven and live with us- lovely in concept but not practical.

So it becomes a choice- a choice to see who we give our trust to, our loyalty to, in the clear and perfect knowledge that though it may not get us an equal response but at least that person will not willfully hurt us. If on the other hand we keep waiting for people to earn our trust by showing their loyalty to us first- then I guess we have to wait for a million years- all alone. If we accept that people are human we should also be ready to accept that they are apt to mess up at times and hurt us too.

And despite those hurts still give them our trust and respect their worth- because as a flawed human being myself I am graceful when accepting others flaws and despite being hurt by their actions and words- I still feel that they are worth my overcoming all my doubts, uncertainties and anxieties about giving away my entire trust on the hope that the other person would turn out to be the right one. For me trust is not earned but given first and if the other person chooses to squander my trust it proves that though my judgment was wrong my heart was in the right place and I am still open for miracles to occur in my life.

I realize this is easier said than done but it has to be done if we need to get into that one relationship which will end up truly rewarding for all our blind belief. In the end its better – in relationships – to close our eyes and take a leap rather than stand on the edge all our lives afraid to take that single step over the precipice.

So there you have it- I am ready to open my heart and trust someone new – even at the risk of being betrayed and made a fool of – in the hope that they prove they are worthy of my trust and will turn out to be the one who completes me. It’s a risk I am willing to take. Are you?

The Desperate and The Doormat.

The Desperate and The Doormat.


Love is a beautiful emotion and falling in love is one of the most exciting things which can happen in any person’s life. But. As you give love make sure that you recieve love too. If the love you are giving is being taken for granted and worse being completely unacknowledged and accepted as a matter of right, does that seem right to you? What do you do when the love you are sharing is not appreciated in the least and all you are left with is the feeling that you have been completely taken advantage of?

I would be the first one to argue that love is selfless and with true love you can keep on giving. But there is also the little matter of personal dignity and self pride (which is a far cry from ego). Everyone has a right to look into the mirror and feel proud of themselves for they alone know their own stories and struggles to reach where they are. But to have that struggle, that story, being sublimated to the wants of another person- all the time- and not just once or twice- then it becomes a matter for retrieving your persona from an uncaring recipient of all your love largesse.

Three things define such relationships-

  1. You are constantly playing second fiddle and putting your own happiness behind the other persons- merely because you have a big heart which is accommodating all their whims and fancies despite your personal dislikes,
  2. Secondly you tend to take the longer view of the picture and don’t mind any immediate sacrifices as you feel at some point or other this will not matter and they will reciprocate in turn with time
  3. And finally you spend all the time picking up their slack and making up credible excuses – to yourself – explaining the other persons unkind treatment of you- despite the longest rope you can possibly give them to realize their high handed dismissal of your legitimate concerns.

I agree that unconditional love is all about loving with all your heart unconditionally and without any expectations in return. But a relationship is not unconditional- it has its own set of rules and guides. Like every other human relationship, love too requires sympathy, empathy, respect and value for all the unconditional love you are pouring out there at the other person’s feet. If they don ‘give anything back then all your sacrifices are in vain as they prove themselves to be merely selfish in their pursuit of their own goals and it becomes crystal clear that they are in it for what they can get out of you and never ever change their behavior. Such parasitism is not love and clearly doesn’t deserve the unconditional love we are talking about. Receiving unconditional love is just as important as giving it otherwise that beautiful gesture turns into disappointment, doubts and anger and most often sounds the death knell of the relationship

The point about loving unconditionally is also doing the same for yourself- putting your needs and wants at par with your loved ones. If they deserve all the happiness they get from you- remember, you deserve no less. Your needs, wants and desires are as important as theirs and you can’t be used and abused for the sake of love. When you end up giving too much of yourself without the slightest reciprocity – you feel drained of everything important in your life and it’s as if you got the dementors kiss (the soul sucking one from harry potter?)

You can give and give and give but ultimately you have to stop somewhere and point out the obvious- that if you are a self respecting person- basic decency, courtesy and selfless are all required part of a relationship on both sides. You deserve to receive an equal part of the love and sacrifice you are putting out there for the other person- if they don’t reciprocate it shows their unkind nature and unsuitability for the kind of unconditional love we are talking about here.

I am not talking about keeping score here- it doesn’t matter a damn if they reciprocate equally or not, but they do have to show some way to prove that they are not egocentric. Its normal- you cant help but notice that you are giving more and more and the are giving back less and less and that you are trying too hard to just keep it going despite their uncaring. Does this imply that you are the desperate one who will do anything just anything to keep it going rather than face the truth, confront them and explain to them what you want them to do about the things that hurt you?

So it becomes desperately necessary to reevaluate such a relationship, to put yourself first and stop being such a doormat. Remember it’s the desperate people who get walked all over. Those who love themselves and are self confident and realize that their own happiness comes second to none will take no BS- even if it’s from a loved one. In the end it boils down to this if you have the slightest iota of self pride and confidence in yourself it becomes the wisest course to walk out of relationships which suck everything you give and give back nothing in return. You, we, I, can do definitely better than such people, right friends?

Facebook Told Me So…..

Facebook Told Me So…..


So there I was on Valentines Day this year, yet again #Forever Alone as the internet meme goes and wondering where I went wrong with my life to be so. And despite reading all those advice columns from dating sites shared on my timeline (Facebook and Twitter) by my ever so gracious friends (mostly singles too) the only conclusion I came to was, I am weak in my GAME- there was a glaring error somewhere on my playbook, you know, the one they refer to as the bible of the relationship game. Now, one of the most recurring themes on loneliness and relationships which dating sites talk about is fear of commitment- about how singles, especially men, are too scared and commitment phobic and hang back when it comes to making it official. Me, on the other hand have always been the opposite.

One date which has me swooning and there I am on the second date with a song on my lips, a ring in my pocket and an offer to update my Facebook status as “in a relationship with”. And the end result is – the girl runs off screaming at the very sight of me. I know I should, but I just cant control the excessive outpouring of emotions which come with every new relationship- I reason it to be a natural outcome of my happiness.  And naturally all those commitment phobic  girls, ok I am exaggerating, normal girls who would like to get to know a person better before they commit, sprint like Usain Bolt, at the very sight of “romantic” me.

 So this means that my relationships revolve around awesome first dates and then, yeah, only that. So that makes me the real life Indian version (Adam Sandler equivalent) of fifty first dates or the guy who never goes on second dates.  Which realization at this late stage has brought me to this new resolution of mine- of biting my tongue and holding back from committing and playing hard to get from now on.  Before you start throwing things at me let me assure you that all this “oh I am such a great catch that I am so hard to get” pose is just that- a pose- its not the real me- but a change in my game plan to finally snare the one, ahh ok, the next one.

 And if and when, after an year or two of dating, she finally gets around to asking me “what took you so long to make up your mind?” I am going to reply “honey, I was ready to propose the next minute after I met you- but wiser persons than me on Facebook told me not to” and I hope she buys it….

Déjà- You? Based On A True Story.

Déjà- You?  – Based On A True Story.


And so this happened a few minutes ago.

Standing alone at one (hidden) corner of a rocking anniversary party of a famous institution, my seventh sense alerts me to someone else standing alone in an opposite corner. The sight of a well endowed backside encased in a tight and short mini skirt drags me over almost involuntarily and so I sidle up there to strike up a conversation. And as she turns over to face me, it’s a déjà vu moment…

Me: Hi, you look familiar. Have I dated you before?

She: Uh, no…I am a famous actress. My name is Ca….

Me: Really? Famous uh? Sorry I don’t remember you …

And I carefully sidle out of there.

P.S. If it looks like an ex, talks like an ex, it probably is an ex and a sign for you to make a fast ex-it….

End of story

Moral of the story:  If you keep dating enough women, you are bound to forget one or two as time passes and start asking them out again. Its just age related senility and loss of memory- no insult meant to the ladies.

May the Best Man Win

May the Best Man Win

challengeSo yesterday I was coming home in a bus from Tirupati (a city in South India) and I happened to get into a conversation with a girl on the seat next to me. after exchanging various pleasantries over the course of the next two hours we finally got to the meat of the matter in the final ten minutes when we were about to get down at Koyambedu bus stop.

As we were about to part soon, we exchanged facebook ids, twitter handles and mobile phone nos. and promised to stay in constant touch and catch up over a weekend soon. And then as a casual aside she told me

She : You know that i have a boyfriend, right?

Me: Yeah, i guessed as much from the constant way you were texting all through the time you were talking to me.

She: Oops, so you guessed from that?

Me: It doesn’t take a genius to guess that. Nowadays everyone has a boyfriend. No one is single anymore. Anyway it matters not.

She: What matters not?

Me : The fact that you have a boyfriend. I don’t mind if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It’s all the same to me and it won’t stop me from flirting with the right person if she comes along.

She : Really? Isn’t that wrong?

Me: Hell no, it isn’t wrong at all. No one knows the future. Who knows if your current boyfriend is your life partner or just a passing cloud? Fate can play strange tricks right? And it’s always better to have a crying shoulder all ready in advance.

She : You are strange.

Me: I am just practical. I don’t mind if a girl has a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a husband or two tucked away somewhere. As long as i find her interesting and think i have a chance with her, i am ready to get into a contest with her guy to show her who is the better man for her. And may the best man win.

And she laughed and laughed and laughed at that till the whole bus was looking at us two trying to guess what the joke was.

And that’s my philosophy of life- if I am better and if destiny decides i will win. Who cares if there’s another guy already there? Not me. In my view he is just a bench warmer before I get into the ring. All I need is a fighting chance to show who I am. That’s all.

P.S. This post might sound incredibly arrogant to some of you. But those who know me/read me regularly will understand the sense in which I am writing this – my weird sense of humor and the oft-lamented fact that “nobody gets me”

காதலை பிரிப்பது எப்படி- பிரிண்ட்ஸ் கிட்ட கேளு.

காதலை பிரிப்பது எப்படி- பிரிண்ட்ஸ் கிட்ட கேளு.

heartwwwநெத்து நம்ம நன்பர் நக்கல் கண்ணன்னின் காதல பிரிச்சிட்டாங்க ஒரு சதி கும்பல். உங்கலுக்கே தெரியும் நம்ம நன்பர் செம்ம நக்கல் பார்ட்டின்னுட்டு அவருக்கு காதல் பூக்கறதே கஷ்டம். அதயும் மலர்ரதுகுல்ல பிரிச்சு மேஞ்சிட்டாங்க. அவரு எதேச்சையா ஏதோ ஒரு கமெண்ட்டு போட அத வெச்சி இவனுங்க நக்கல் அடிக்க அது பார்த்து அந்த புள்ள அரண்டு மிரண்டு நம்மக்கு எதுக்குடா இந்த பிரச்சனன்னு ஒரே பல்டி அடிச்சு நம்ம நக்கல் நாயகன “அண்ணே’ன்னு” ஒரே போடா போட்டுடுச்சு. எனக்கு இத பார்த்த உடனே ஒரே பீலிங்க்ஸ் ஆகிடுச்சு – என் ப்ளாஷ்பேக் எல்லாம் ஞாபகம் வந்துடிச்சு. அவன் அவன் உயிர பணையம் வெச்சு தலகீழ பல்டி அடிச்சு வாழ்க்கையில செட்டில் ஆக முயற்சி பண்றான்னு விடாம ஒரு நிமிஷத்துல் சட்டுன்னு வெட்டி உட்டுடுராணுங்கலே இவங்கெல்லாம் காதலியோட லவ்ஸ் பண்லா? அப்போ ஏன்யா இந்த பொழப்பு?

நானும் என் கல்லூரி வாழ்க்கையில இந்த மாதிரி பல வல்லூரூகள சந்திச்சு இருக்கேன். அவனுங்களும் திங்க மாட்டான்நுங்க நம்மளையும் அண்ட உடமாட்டாநுங்க. என் கல்லூரி வாழ்க்கையில ஒரு வில்லன் இருந்தான் – பேரு குட்டி ஷியாம் (எங்க கிளாஸ்ல இன்னோரு நெட்ட ஷியாம்மும் இருந்தான்). நான் ரொம்ப நாளா மானசீகமா காதலிச்சு சொல்லணும் சொல்லணும்ன்னு ஒரு நல்ல டைம் தேடிக்கிட்டிருந்த என் டிரீம் கேர்ள் ஆண்ட திடீர்ன்னு ஒரு நாள் கிளாஸ்ல எல்லார் முன்னாடியும் கத்தி சொல்லிட்டான் “மச்சி இன்னிக்கி உன் ஆளோட பர்த்டே, இன்னிக்காச்சும் தைரியமா ப்றோபோஸ் பண்ணுடான்னு” ஒரு கத்து கத்துனான். அத்தொட அந்த பிரியா பொண்ணு ஷுட்ட்டர்ர இழுத்து மூடிட்டு என்ட்ட பேசறதயே கட் பண்ணிட்டா. ஏன்டா மகனே(………மகனே) இப்படி பண்ணன்னு செவ்வுல்ல ரெண்டு விட்டு கேட்ட “மச்சான் நான் உன்னக்கு ஹெல்ப் பண்ணதாண்டா அப்படி பண்ணேன்ன்னு” நா கூசாம பொய்யி சொன்னான். சனியன் தொலையாரன்னு விட்டுட்டென். அதுல இருந்து எந்த பிரிண்டு ஹெல்ப்’நாலும் கை எடுத்து கும்பிட்டு வேணாம்யா விட்டுடு, இந்த உடம்பு தாங்காதுடான்னு சொல்லிடறேன்.

ஆக மொத்தம் இது மூலமா நான் என்ன சொல்ல வரேன்னா மக்களே. அவன் அவனுக்கு அவசரமா வந்தா அவன் தான் போயாகணும். அதே போல அவன் அவனுக்கு காதல் வந்தா அவன் தான் அத சொல்லியாகணும். நீங்க முந்திக்காதிங்க பாஸ் அவன் சார்புல. விட்ருங்க. நீங்க ஜெய்ச்சவங்க. நாங்க இனிமே தான் ஜெயிக்க வேண்டியவங்க. எங்களையும் வாழவிடுங்க ப்ளீஸ். உங்க ஹெல்ப்பும் வேணாம் ஒண்ணும் வேணாம். நாங்க பார்த்துக்கறோம். நாங்களே சொல்லிகிறோம் இல்லா சொதப்பிக்கிறோம்- நீங்க நடுவ்வுல்ல பூந்து பிரிக்க வேணாம். நட்புக்கு இலக்கணம் அது இல்ல. நீ வாழு எங்களை வாழவிடு- ஓகே’வா நண்பா?