The Seduction Of Anonymity
Its been a month or so since I turned my blog to the dark side, made it by subscription only and since no one has yet subscribed to read my blog, in essence it means that I am for the first time since I started my blog writing for myself with moi constituting the only reader with access to my inner most thoughts. Now writing for oneself and reading it alone has made profound changes in my writing style- I no longer have to worry about being politically correct or follow society’s conventions any way or in any issue. I can be myself- this great gift of expressing myself freely has only come about because of the anonymity of my blog. This takes me right back to the earliest days of my writing when I used to maintain a diary/journal where I used to scribble all my thoughts with the certainty that no one will ever get to read it except me (or maybe my sister if she was spying on me to complain to my parents).
Anyway I no loner have to worry about stalkers getting their vicarious pleasures in reading about my amorous adventures or exes with an Axe to grind following my blog religiously in the hope of learning who my current flame is or just the generally jealous and bitter blog readers who can’t help but hate me for living the kind of life they can only fantasize about. Now I can be myself and chronicle all my adventures and misadventures with nary a thought of how they might be twisted and used against me in the future. This is a great gift, isn’t it? The kind of peace which comes from using the blog as a confessional in the conviction that any confidences will be strictly maintained?
I can also crib about my colleagues and confess about my OCD to personally diagnose each and every patient that comes into the hospital in the (mistaken???) belief that my colleagues do diagnosis rather perfunctorily and if I don’t check their patients too, they might miss catching something life threatening in the earliest (and treatable) stages itself. I wont have to divide my attention between sitting at my table and listening to my patients while on the same time sneaking a look at nearby tables where other patients are being disposed off hastily like on a conveyor belt. The fact that I can actually disclose this here-my obsession with not missing a single suspicious disease – is a tribute to the anonymity of my blog which alone has made me confess my OCD. But in my defence i am only doing this to make sure that the poor and illiterate patients who come to the government hospital get the same kind of attention that private hospitals patients do- even if i have to check and re-check every single one of the patients all by myself -all day
I can also use the gift of anonymity to confess to having crushes on several of my lady friends. Although in polite society i pretend to be just friends and not interested in anything more, i wont deny that in certain deep dark times of my life- late nights for instance, i cant help but fantasize how it would be to be married to this girl or that, how life would be if we were more than friends and how it would feel to be married to a friend/best friend rather than a complete stranger. I know that practically i wont be able to do anything about it, not even sure that it will work even if really happened but hey what the hell, cant a guy even dream in anonymity about his friends who are girls? Even if in real life i just end up attending their wedding reception with congratulations and gifts? And tell myself as i travel back home that it was all for the best and we would never have been compatible and at least this way we could keep being friends?
So what this closing down of my blog from the eyes of the prying public has done is it has atlast liberated me to get a lot of stuff off my mind safe from the eyes of the lecherous stalkers who orgasm on reading my every misadventure which i faithfully document here. Up yours assholes- oh wait, you wont read this will you?
P.S. -Coming up in future posts- more trash talking, more nose thumbings and more frank confessions on “the dark blog”.