Strictly Tongue In Cheek
Dear so and so, i am writing to you from Australia. I saw your profile on so-and-so matrimony website recently and i think you would fit my family and myself very well. I am currently working as a senior software engineer in a prestigious multinational company and now currently based on-site in Australia where i have applied for permanent residency. As i am very much particular in my career i want someone who will be home loving as a spouse and i think you have the right qualifications for it. I have asked my parents back in India to get in touch with your parents and take this forward. If everything goes forward satisfactorily then i will probably see you when i visit India for my annual vacation in December. I will be staying only three weeks in India so if our marriage gets arranged it has to happen within that time. Now if you agree to all my conditions and are ready to shift over to Australia by December i think we can proceed further with this. Do mail me at the earliest as i have to finalize many things before my trip to India. Please revert at the earliest.
The Return Mail:
Dear so and so, thank you for expressing your interest after seeing my profile in the matrimony website. I am pleased that you would consider me as “fit” for your family and then you- in that order. You know, even my local tailor who has been with me for a decade finds it difficult to stitch me clothes with a proper fit- but you, from far away Australia, pronounce me as a perfect fit…if i weren’t rendered speechless right now i would go around screaming i am fit i am fit , i am fit and a girl from Australia has certified me so. I am also very pleased that you recognize me as home loving and having the right qualifications, whatever they are, which you are looking forward to in a spouse. Seriously i don’t know what they are but i do agree that whatever they might be- i have them, i have them all, don’t i? I mean you wouldn’t be mailing me from Australia if i lacked even one or two of those sterling qualities you are looking forward to in a man, right? Anyway i have absolutely no qualms in quitting my current job immediately and getting ready for our wedding in the remaining few months till December (how will i get my trousseau ready? Will Rohit Bal be available at short notice or should i try Ralph Lauren or Issey Miyake? Should it be a tux or indian ethnic?). And finally about quitting my job and moving with you to Australia as a house husband- well i just go to a job not to be a burden to my parents, so if you are willing to take care of me financially for the rest of my life as you have written in the mail, i would be pleased to quit immediately and join you in Australia where i can take care of the family while you work in that big important job of yours. I am looking forward to meeting you in December and i think three weeks is more than enough to get married if i can only get a visa within that time to travel to Australia . So do look me up when you get to India in December and and we can take care of a few things in person. I am looking forward eagerly to it. Bye.
(Disclaimer- based on a true story but names/sources withheld for privacy reasons)