That Mandatory Valentines Rant.
Its yet another Valentines day come again and as per socially-sanctioned norms, not that i have ever followed such norms assiduously- the day requires the mandatory valentines blogpost on love and relationships and what not. As its been a while since i wrote here on my love life (non-existent though it may be) let me jump onto the bandwagon too and write an update on my relationship status. You know whenever i write a blog-post which contains my most intimate and private thoughts I usually write it like no one is reading me, which i believe is the real case too (no one reads me at all sob, sob)…..so assuming that by some kind of mistake you got lost somewhere and ended up here reading this, well then, -think, reflect and decide if you want to read pages and pages of a long, boring, rant or just take my advice and leave right now to do something more interesting with your time. If on the other hand you decide to stick around and see it through to the end – i applaud your bravery and i only hope you wont curse me for wasting your time when you reach the end of this rant. Just remember- the choice is yours. So go on then and read the rest.
The other day i was at a CME program- a Continuing Medical Education is, if you dont know it, a kind of lecture where people remind you (again and again) of all the things you once skipped over in class because you them found boring as hell. The only worthwhile part of a CME is usually the post lecture party -a party for nerds where people from the profession get together and jaw, jaw about whats the current state of the profession and how much each one is making. The average conversation is usually as interesting as watching paint dry that you tend to let down your guard in such nerdy company and quite unfortunately, fate takes that moment to kick you wham right in the balls and before you know it you get asked the hardest kind of question there is and you are floundering for the right answer, yet again.
Now, the hardest question to answer, for me, is the one which goes like “hi, do you remember me?” The second hardest goes like “Come on, we met at Goa/Bombay/Mahabs etc in so-and-so year at so-an-so event where we partied together all night. But you never called me back after that. Why?” That “Why” is a kick-ass question to dodge. Because the answer to the second question is intimately connected to the first and the unsaid answer truthfully goes something like this “I didn’t call you back because I forgot all about you. And the reason I forgot all about you was nothing memorable happened during that night- enough for me to make that call the next day. The truth is there was no real connection between us except for my being drunk and having lust filled thoughts which made me sidle up to you and start flirting. When i sobered up the next day, i felt like a fool and wisely decided to write the episode down to a learning experience. And now that you have reminded me again i cringe to realize what an idiot i was that day”. Of course, i cant or wont say all this directly to my questioner, even i am not such a fool, but will give the standard “i changed my mobile/broke my mobile, lost all my contact numbers” routine to escape unscathed from there.
Now if you read the above para and mistakenly assume that i am some kind of rake who was just looking to have a good time you cant be far from the truth – i am not such a player, i am more sinned against than a sinner. Every crush i have had was always with the hope of it being the love of my life (finally) what the poets call “an experience to end all experiences”. Its that kind of love i am looking for and not just marriage which I believe is inevitable in everyone’s life. But what I really,really crave is a mind-blowing love, the kind of overarching love which obliterates everything which came before it. But sad to say that i haven’t even stumbled upon such a thing, even accidentally till now.
One thing about having crushes is when you think back on them with the passage of time you can see that they were merely relationships of convenience, relationships of proximity- you two were either in the same class or same job or thrown together constantly and friendship was mistaken for love because it was so much easier to talk with shared interests. That is not real love- I knew it in the deeper recesses of my heart and whatever you say of me you can say one thing- I am an honest man. So whenever i realized that what I had was just a comfort level masquerading as love, I didn’t have it in me to continue to pretend and so i told them the truth- maybe I could have told it in a more diplomatic way hindsight often teaches you important lessons. But i did tell them as soon as possible which is one thing i am proud of.
Which is why i have been holding out for so long from marrying the wrong person merely to complete my quota for family life and get on with it as others advice. me to do. Truth to tell getting married is not that hard personally -i need to just close my eyes put a finger on one of the numerous brides bio-data’s lying around the house and be married in a month or so- to someone I don’t love and in the best case scenario – am indifferent to . But won’t that be cruelty to the other person. If I don’t love someone what business do I have marrying them? Simply for convenience sake? For sex? For offspring to pass on the genes to? Sorry none of those reason appeal to me. They are – agree with me or not- dishonest reasons to marry.
I deeply believe that a marriage is not honest if it does not involve real and deep-felt love. Simply marrying for marriage sake- as so many advice me to do day in and day out- no, that’s not me at all. I would rather be alone than hitch myself to someone I don’t love. I see you shaking your head and asking me to be practical- but yes, being practical is what 99% of our earth’s population do i agree. But those practical people never achieve anything ground-breaking in their lives. Edison was not practical when he experimented again and again before he made a single light bulb. Watson and Crick were not practical when they disregarded everyone’s advise to propose a helical model for the gene. Pasteur was not practical when he decided to experiment with an untested vaccine on a young boy bitten by a rabid dog. None of them took the sane, practical route- but they changed history by sticking to their guns and believing in themselves didnt they?
And closer to home, I certainly was not practical when I disregarded my parent’s advice not to apply for the medical field- being born in a so-called forward community- there was no chance of me ever getting enough marks to qualify for a merit seat was what I was told repeatedly. I didn’t listen but came out second in the entire state and made sure that i will not be turned away simply for belonging to the wrong community. Again I was told to be practical and not resign my job at a private hospital and try for a government job- because practical people told me I had no chance in hell of getting one given that i am from the forward community. But I aced that exam too and they had no option except to take me in. So, if you get to ever read my autobiography you would see that every step of the way, every decision of my life – I have fought against the practical decision, have gone against the grain and attempted the impossible with nothing but faith in my own ability. Again and Again. All my life. To see from where I came and where I am right now gives me the confidence to believe I will succeed in this too. In finding the right kind of love. And of course with that right kind of love, with the right person, a wedding would be the most natural progression
So if you are still with me, here is my final answer to all those questions about when i am getting married, i will when i find the right person. And if i never find the right person, maybe i never will. The future is not writ in stone, its more fluid, lets leave it at that shall we?