Okka, Mokka, Kadupethrada Unga Akka
[Disclaimer: The other day I was out visiting my grandparent’s house in mint area and happened to spot three weird characters – two guys and a girl, standing around a street corner and talking their version of English. I discreetly tried to eavesdrop on their conversation as it interested me very much and though I have tried as far as possible to reproduce it verbatim here, I may have forgotten many of the more colorful phrases they used in a flow. If so, I beg pardon for the blame is on my faulty memory. I leave you with these three- a boy, his girl and her little brother.]
Hai stop da, why you talking, ask her to talk no? She standing in side of me only no? What? She wont talk’a? Why she wont talku? What your sister one big shot ah? She is saying no, no to me all the time? What your family is big englishman family or what? She is saying I am local and all. What you buy your vegetables in fruit shop or what? You that big family’a? You eat only english vegetables like apple, orange and not local vegetables like katrika, vendaka also?
Aiyyi, you talk di. Talk straight me, why you no? what you big diana maharani or what? why you talk to me with your brother, talk face direct and tell. Ok, you don’t like me now but give me answer why? why you no like me now. Before you like me plenty no? Why you stop now? Tell that firstu.
What? Buy choclate? Ok, you want chocolate means tell straight me. Why you tell your friends and all? I eat only pulip mittais- the ones you put in your cheek and suck for their sourness? So when you ask me bring chocolate, I already have one in my pocket and thats why I gave it you and told to suck my balls, suck the sour balls. How was I to know you dont like sour balls and and want only diary milk chocolate and all that posh things. And you tells all our friends that because I dont eat sweet chocolate, I am not sweet man and because of sour chocolate I am only sour man. All this after just one suck at my balls.
Also, that singing songs thing you know. Coming to your house bedroom and singing English songs and all? ok..i dont know any music except some drunken monk gana songs. But I know one friend who sings to guitar music and all. He is the famous man Paadai Peter of Royapuram, who sings Christmas songs in church. He is very famous for dead man singing and most wanted for singing outside dead people house. When someone die in my area they first call Peter only to come before making paadai also to carry dead man. He came with one guitar and was standing outside your house and I sang one song he taught me, very famous song “in my heart big rain falling, inside lake lotus flower hiding”. All sooper figures like sameera ready and samantha liking that songu but your sister not liking means what, she is bigger figure than samantha? how my fault if she dont like rahman songu?
Then you want to go to coffee shop and all. Ask anyone in my area, I am only tea drinker, I dont drink degree kaapi. That is for mamas and mamis. My sitthapu told me if you drink kaapi you cant do matteru and all. So I am not drinking kaapi from little boy, very, very carepul I am. I regularly drink tea daily in diamond tea shop, my area biggest tea shop Very famous place, opposite Mint Bell Cage. They have big, big, legends photos and all, in the walls hanging. All big, big shots like koli babu, boxer vadivelu, weldingu kumaru, saidai sadha photos and all. People who have committed at least ten murders only hanging on that wall. But there and all I cannot take you. They allow inside only if you are wearing lungi, do you have lungi to wear? No, no? Thats why I dont take you there. But you want to go to kapi shop where they dont allow even to smoke one cigarettu. How can man drink kapitea without smoking cigarettu? Loosu fellows. Tell them i told ok? And that kaapi also full mixed with icecream. Tell me you want kaapi or you want icecream? Why mix? You mix and rasam and thayir also same time and eat or what?
I know that you Anglo’s speak very good english and all- all aapakara englepeese you speak. Thats why I learn english also from rapidex english lessons. But you are not happy with that also? you want me to speak like aapakaran also? My boys in street will laugh if i speak like a Dhat, Bhoot, Tanjavooru fellow only. All street will laugh, I will have to change house and go another area. So I will talk only tameel after you me marriage, ok?. If not ok, then you go to cemetery di. Too much kadupu you are a-thing, my heart burning like stove only. Go, don’t show face in my street again or i spit paan masala with full saliva.
[With that threat, the trio seemed to realize that someone was closely eavesdropping on their conversation and so they moved on, out of my hearing range….End of Story]