Google That, You *&$&…
Disclaimer: This is a transcript of an imaginary days occurrence in a doctors consult, with imaginary patients and imaginary dialogues and no way breaching the physician-patient confidentiality clause, because it’s all imaginary, you know?
An 8 year old kid walks in for a consult along with his parents. The parents seat themselves opposite and start talking but the kid keeps quiet and continues playing temple run on an i-pad
Me (looking at the kid): Yo, wasssup?
Kids Dad (hereafter known as KD): My son has a bilateral headache of the temporal region (and looks challengingly at me).
KM (or kids mom): For the past one week (and looks severely at hubby in a come home and i will box your ears for you look- for missing out on that important nugget of information).
Me : uh? Bilateral Temporal? ( big, big words, either he has a bigger vocabulary than mine or else ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelt, we have here a search specialist/google warrior, let the games begin and let the best man win)
KD: We took him to a neurosurgeon and he ordered a brain MRI….
Me : (nodding head wisely like Yoda in Star Wars) Yes? And what did the results show? (ordered uh? what else did he order? by the way I wish that I too could order one special masala dosa and a rosemilk, I am hungry and this looks like it’s going to be long battle)
KM: He said it was fine; there was nothing in the brain.
Me : (stifling laughter) Of course, if the MRI says alls fine, then i dont see why you are worried.
KD : But he keeps complaining of headaches everyday when he returns from school
Me: (funny, but I used to complain the exact opposite- school was a big headache for me and not home, but with parents like these, hmmm) So sonny, show me where exactly you are getting headaches
Kid: (glances up at me disinterestedly from temple run and looks back down again to see where the guy was running away from the chasing apes)
KD: (putting his hand on the boy’s forehead right above the eyebrows in the supra-orbital region) Right here in the temporal region.
Me: Ok, does he complain of anything else? Double vision? Vomiting?
KM: No, nothing like that
KD: But he has nasal congestion- you know? Sinusitis? He has also pharyngitis and keeps coughing.
Me : (nodding head again in a slow I hear and acknowledge gesture) yeah, sinusitis? pharyngitis? (To myself- so this is a who knows the bigger words, who is the more bad-ass contest, uh?)
Me : Ok, he is where? In the 8th standard?
KD: Yes, he is quite tall for his age
Me : (absentmindedly scribbling doodles on my prescription pad of girls with boobs) And where do you sit in class, in the front or the back row?
KM: Not in the front, although we keep asking the teacher, she puts him in the back row because he is so tall for his age.
KD: So what shall we do doc?
Me: (smiling enigmatically) You tell me.
KD and KM: Uh?
Me: I mean, ever since you came in you have told me everything else, so why stop now? Tell me what drugs I should prescribe and I will write them down for you too under my own signature, absolutely no problem
KD: Look doc..
Me: Sir….I know you are an expert software engineer and to be well prepared you have been on Google search and read up everything about your sons symptoms like a conscientious parent should do. For your information, I too read the same google every day for an hour or so to stay abreast of what you read. We have probably read the same articles too- both of us and i think i remember them better than you too, what with my having a photographic memory and all- I can quote you line and word from any of those articles you name. But the thing is, what google says and what we actually see may not coincide at all- what you have absorbed is an information overload and quite useless practically. No, let me finish madam. All this time you have been giving me a lot of extraneous information, not pertaining to your son’s chief complaint- which is a headache when he returns from school after studying. Now I suggest that we worry only about that for the time being and forget his sinusitis and pharyngitis and everything else. If you go outside this room, two doors beyond on the left there is an ophthalmologist, i will call him and inform him you are coming. Now go get your sons eyes checked first and come back here, I will be waiting for you.
Half- an-hour later – enter KD and KM with Kid in tow: Doc, the eye doctor says he needs glasses, he suffers from short vision and that’s why he is getting headaches at school.
Me: (smiling enigmatically) Of course, as I suspected. Please ask the teacher to move him either to the middle or the front row till he gets the new glasses that will prevent the daily headaches from straining to see the blackboard.
KD, KM, Kid: uh, thanks Doc, fees?
Me: Outside, at the reception counter. (Calling receptionist- bill a G2 consult- code for a heftier than usual consult fee for special categories and time wasters)
And Me: (Standing up after they close the door and pumping fists) So who’s your Daddy?