Talk about being a glutton for punishment. I really must be a masochist to go and get beaten like this voluntarily. If you have just joined us on this blog and wondering why (not having read the previous post), the synopsis (flashback) is this. I kinda fell hard for a girl, who gave me a cold shoulder. I tried to involve her in a long and meaningful talk about love and relationships and all, artfully trying to bring the conversation to a point where I can gauge her mind, only to have her tell me that she has had enough of relationships going sore and has now decided to go for an arranged marriage, as arranged by her parents and she is most practical and realistic and doesn’t believe in love anymore. At first I thought she was just playing hard to get, to make it more interesting for me to conquer and all, then realized that she really was a most non-romantic type…coldly practical about her life and completely decisive about the future, unlike poor romantic me. Now that’s where it stood over the weekend, giving me severe heartburn and a loss of hair- by pulling off (in sheer frustration)…does she? Does she not? Type of hair fall (what little left on my head).
So, the story continues this week. Specifically today. On the theory that what’s worse can’t get any worse, I go and actually ask her about it today. Yes. Dammit. I went and asked. I still can’t believe I did that. Directly asked. And she gave me a nice little putdown. “If it had come, I would have let you know, it’s really pointless asking me when I don’t feel anything” she says (direct quote). She also said a lot of other things which I didn’t particularly understand, but the thing which stood out was “the most important person in my life is me” at which point I felt like saying “in mine too” but somehow the words didn’t come out. She seemed very reasonable when she said “you need two hands to clap” that life is not just about love, it needs more than love to keep a marriage afloat and all that. All perfectly sensible. But is that all there is to life? I can’t feel like asking? Is life a negotiation? A business deal? Marrying someone based on their use to us? I just don’t believe that. That kind of marriage is what leads to divorce and affairs in a few years. When the practical aspects of marriage turn into a routine boring life- a loveless marriage. If there is at least a little bit of love in the marriage it has a better chance of surviving the ups and downs of married life.
Or that’s how I feel. What I believe. I may be wrong. I may be biased. I am after all totally confused. Hence this live-blogging of my pain. Of my daily state of mind. More coming up soon. As I wrestle with my mind and try to accept the inevitable and try to heal myself from this disappointment. For the fault lies with me in being careless with my heart and feelings. And I hope to return to normal soon. Cheer me on.