(Disclaimer: this Post is intended only for those above 18 years for it contains explicit language and incendiary ideas..read on only if you are 18+)
I am happy that I am back to my favourite genre after a long absence, where I try to break my head and mash the English language trying to explain the unexplainable- the workings of hidden human emotions and thought processes of men (and women). And even as I type this I feel a profound satisfaction that all though in the interest of expanding my own knowledge and breaking my own boundaries, I have for the past dozen posts tried my hand at any and every genre, but the call of nature was too hard to ignore. I am back to where I belong and I believe that the contents of this post will better serve those who are looking for a little insight into the ways of hearts, of courtship and confusions and for the students of human nature. If you manage to understand this post – you are on the path to clarity. If not, don’t blame me- you are not ready yet for the wisdom this post offers to the discerning. Come back later when you are worth the knowledge. See? I can be pretentious too..
The basics of Desire:
So let’s start with my pet equation:
Desire = attraction/obstacle
i.e. desire is the end product of attraction divisible by obstacle and now I will explain why.
What is an attraction?
When we say we are attracted to someone what does that mean? That we desire them, right? So is attraction the same as desire? Not according to the experts, aka….me. An attraction is simply what you feel for a random moment, it is passing in nature and you may not feel the same attraction the next time you see the same person. To convert it into desire you need something more, maybe a better acquaintance, shared interests, opportunity of being thrown together constantly- especially in mixed company where you get the right ingredients to cook up something (for example in group trips/orientation camps) -with the challenging ebb and flow of personalities you get to experience in groups of opposite sex hanging out together where you can never be sure who is trying to pick up who (come on, can anyone really say who is looking at who in the dark environs of a nightspot/discotheque?) – with Role Playing (example- I am an innocent princess/I am a stud) and Misdirection’s being very common – (aka when you are hanging out in EA mall with the boy gang and your phone rings and you take one look at the screen showing the name Priya Mobile calling and then you say loudly to the guys around you in an exasperated tone- this Preethi, she just wont leave me alone, that kinda thing) and what sub contexts you are missing out in the seemingly ordinary interplay of conversations between “We Are JUST Friends” who turn out later to have been deep in a relationship and which fact is broadcast only when they finally break up bitterly (and then post status messages on Facebook and Twitter damaging each other).
What is an obstacle?
If you ask the experts, what really makes sure that an ordinary everyday attraction is converted to fierce desire is an obstacle- any obstacle. There can be no desire without an obstacle- because in the absence of any obstacle- you already have (in your mind) the object of your desire or at least an easy means to attain it. Hence desire is in wanting only- something you don’t have now or can’t have right now. Because something else (or someone else) beyond your control is preventing you from obtaining who you want- that someone, most commonly is an existing boyfriend or even worse a previous boyfriend – broken affairs (how can you compete with a guy who is not there anymore to compete with you?) and their cold aftermaths are fierce attractions for most people I know- for it becomes a challenge to their manhood to prove that he is a better person and a more trustworthy person than the one who got away. Or at least that’s what guys tell girls, even if the real reason is the same reason as to why men went to war against fortified castles. It’s there, it’s closed, it’s strong and it would be a real boost to the ego to break it open and plant your flag there as the victor. Most men don’t have the patience for siege warfare- its open assault with them, but women have all the patience in the world and know all the secret paths into the castle of a man’s heart. When once a woman makes up her mind about a man, it takes a very wise and very strong man to escape being involuntarily forced into falling in love, something most men realize only after the honeymoon phase, when it is too late to escape.
Is a taboo an obstacle?
The commonest obstacle everyone knows about is longing and anticipation of return longing of the object of desire. When you know that you cannot have the object of your desire immediately, even if there is no major obstacle in your path- the very fact that you are made to wait gives rise to what can be called an anticipatory pang of desire where imagination works overtime to create an uncontrollable longing for immediate gratification and failure to do so is unbearably painful and maddening. This is what used to happen in the past- in arranged marriages- during all those long engagement periods when men often tried to cross the boundaries with their betrothed (haven’t you seen Tamil movies of the 80’s?) – A major taboo in Indian weddings – and a hidden cause for quite a number of weddings being pre-poned hurriedly to the first Muhurtham available. But the modern era of the millennium children with its more indulgent eye for premarital sex between courting and engaged couples has eased this a little, but not much- for nature is nature and the very act of being prohibited from sampling the goods right now, even if you have only a temporary license for it is such a big turn on- that a large number of Beach Resorts on the ECR Road (and Mahabs) are making a good living out of the taboo of pre-marital sex between betrothed parties. If you prohibit anything- interest and desire for it is bound to arise- that’s basic psychology.
The Wrong Girl/Guy:
And speaking of obstacles there is one obstacle that is guaranteed 100% to convert a mild and passing attraction to a passionate and blind desire- and that is the ambivalence at first glance due to a suspicion of unsuitability of the girl or guy. When you are unsure in your own mind of the compatibility of the object of your attraction and you even look on that person with a little repugnance- then that creates an invisible barrier mentally inside you. You know in your heart of hearts that the person you are attracted to is totally your opposite, like say, you are a cheerful, easygoing, ever laughing, extrovert personality and the person you are attracted to is a moody, morose, depressive, introvert, a reserved with a major “R” type. They say opposites attract, and the fact is they do. Because when you abhor someone’s personality, you look down on them and theirpersonality, you feel that they are oh so wrong for you and anything you start with them is going to end in tragedy – the very fact that they are so wrong for you is such a big turn on, that once you overcome your repugnance for that particular person, you will go recklessly into the deepest, blindest desire for the person, regardless of the aftermath. This is how hearts get broken. When the adrenalin rush from danger and the thrill of chasing a total misfit triumphs over plain commonsense. You jump into it like jumping off a cliff knowing you don’t have parachute and yet enjoying the rush of flying free in the air for the few moments till you get killed. But while it lasts there is nothing to beat that feeling of flying free.
So is that “IT” with Bad Girls?
Yes, bad girls are major turn on’s for good guys and vice versa. Tell someone he can’t have that particular girl and suddenly he can’t wait to have her. And if the person telling you “no” is your own brain then your heart rebels even against it. It wants nothing more than what your brain “Veto’s”. And even commonsense is for sometime defeated in the pangs of unrequited desire. But once you make the connection, once you feel that you have achieved the impossible and attained that person, what happens? You wake up and smell the coffee. It’s as if you are coming out of a trance, the parts of your brain which had been shut down due to lack of blood flow start functioning again, and your brain starts telling you “I told you so” sometimes it’s too late and the couple are already hitched in matrimony, but often the wakeup call comes as soon as the first flush of success disappears. Then people wake up and decide that they would rather go through a temporary heartbreak than end up in permanent misery knowingly and a bitter break up follows.
Any Available Remedies?
It’s quite simple, attraction is powerful, desire is all powerful, but neither is a prerequisite for peace of mind. If you find yourself being attracted to a totally opposite type resist. Bad girls are not bad- they are just bad for you, for your long lasting happiness, beyond the initial attraction… Find someone who is as close as possible to you in temperament and personality (not contradictory but complimentary personalities)- that’s the secret behind all successful relationships. The happy with the happy and the miserable with the miserable. They deserve each other. Let them be.
So my Conclusion is simply this….when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing is predictable. People fall for the weirdest partners ever, but they make a success of it because they chose to overlook the weirdness for the parts they like…and only people who are mature enough to separate the wanted and unwanted and weigh them in balance before deciding lead a long happy life. The other kind who rush out of pure animal magnetism and adrenalin kick, soon find themselves nursing broken hearts and wondering why. Choose carefully, take your time but once in – OVERLOOK– that’s the secret to success in relationships..
(P.s. Pics courtesy Google Images)