HOW TOSURVIVE A MEDICAL EDUCATION
A wiseman once told me that if you hang around enough bars you can learn to make a great cocktail and if you hang around enoughwards, you can learn how to treat patients. The reason I am bringing this up isone of my friends recently asked me to give a little pep-talk to his youngerbrother who has joined medical school. This is a gist of the talk I gave him.
1) Dress The Part: Always,alwayswear a white coat. Our patients always respect the Dress more than the person.The dress will help you get an automatic entry into the expert club and theaverage patient will hesitate to crossquestion you regarding any diseases or treatments. But expect to be asked aboutthe way to all those deeply-hidden departments and wards every time you walk around byeverone you meet .
2) Always Reply With A Counter Question- when someone asks- why do I have this pain doctor? When will youdischarge me doctor? Can I eat everything? Will I ever get cured? Never give them a straight answer- alwaysrespond with an obscure counter question. Like- are you quite sure that your motheror father did not have this same pain when they were at your age? That willreally bother them as no one is ever “quite sure ” of anything- especially about others diseases. Their brains working overtime thinking about your question,chances are great that they might forget the original question they asked youand you might escape with a very general answer instead of getting intospecifics (and getting into trouble at a future date with your chief)
3) Spout Jargon- learn to talk in a technical way. For instance, don’t worry,your pain is nothing but a momentaryelectrical impulse transmitted through the dendritic fibres via chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. Bythe end of this statement the patients eye would be semi glazed and they wouldhave forgotten all that they hadasked/complained to you.
4) Hang Out With The Real Experts – in a Indian hospital these usually are -the nursing superintendents (the matrons) who know everything there is to know aboutmedicine, the emergency technicians(casualty assistants) who can quite literally save your ass by teaching you how to save others asses and yourdrunk seniors. Disregard anything asober senior tells you- he will most probably be lying/misguiding you.
5) Multitask- Sleep in the library.When I was doing my post graduation, I had a Professor who used to call up the librarian at all odd hours and inquire whether any of his students were present at the library at that time.This was his way of finding fault with us, to blastus the next day- regardless of the fact that he used to so overload us withwork, that by the end of the day we were walking around like zombies in apermanently sleep deprived daze. I solved this problem in my unique way- by multitasking in the library-sleeping, snacking,chatting to friends and even stalking ex-girlfriends online- all were donecourtesy of the semi- private cubicles of the library.
Thisis just a highlights only sharing of my hard earned experience of surviving a medicaleducation. For specific doubts mail me and I will suggest more tips tosurvive your sadistic prof’s, bamboozleyour examiners, convince your exam patients and finallypass your exams. Best of Luck.