This will be an intenesely cathartic post for self-analysis so readers please excuse- if found boring.
It’s been a long time since I found the time/inclination to blog but now I feel an itch to do so – courtesy Star Movies. Specifically – Courtesy of a Friday Premiere show of the movie Wall-E. For those who haven’t watched it yet- it shows a lonely robot on Planet Earth cleaning up the garbage in a post-modern world. There was one scene which was an “Epiphany”(with bugles blowing) of sorts for me- Wall-E watches a Classic movie where the hero and heroine hold hands together and then in a fit of sudden desperation almost unknowingly it joins its two hands togther as a metaphor for the loneliness it feels as the sole survivor of planet Earth.
Something struck me then and I realized (this was a late-night 11PM Show) that I too was in a similar mood. How could this be? Haven’t I always prided myself as “THE LONE WOLF?”, “The El- Mariachi?” the lone Gun-slinger who walks into town, biffs a few bad guys and walks away. The one who never has any Romance in his life, because, face it – any Emotional involvement means Commitment to hang around in one place long enough to gather moss and turn meek. Wasn’t I Clint Eastwood with the Swagger and the Sneer? Didn’t my life consist only of what I could carry on my horse-back with me? So why this sudden weakening?
And then I realized that I was no longer in my twenties- the biological clock was ticking and I could no longer feel like travelling “LITE” in this world. I found it strange to feel that I no longer considered romance and family as Extra-baggage- something which holds you back in your life/profession. I have been a hard-worker all my life- worked my butt off to get where I’m today. But strangely, as of recent times, all that success which hard work brought me doesnt have the same flavour. I no longer feel the elation I used to do when i Kick-butt professionaly- when people praise me as “the Next Best Thing” or congratulate me on “having a National Reputation”- which was what I could have killed for a few years back.
Coming home late at night- after leaving home with early light- and then to find that my parents have retired for the night and I have nothing to do but watch TV – no one to talk to or share stuff with/have fun with has brought home the message to me that Professional Success/making money is not everything of life. I suddenly miss my Twenties- how I never even tried for romance- never waited in bus-stops or malls for girls, never bought film tickets for two and kept waiting at the entrance while everyone else went in. I have always watched moives alone- because I felt it was a waste of time/money to go watch a movie and then keep talking in the theatre. I missed so much that others of my age enjoyed back then- of course, I was making a lot of money, but it doesnt seem to have made me happy.
I now realize the errors of my ways. I know now that a certain amount of money is enough and too much/too soon means sacrificing everything else. Is it too late to change my life? Can I suddenly go back to being a youth? Start romancing a girl? Any girl? Will my middle-class upbringing allow me to cut back on earning money to spend it on enjoying life? Wont everyone from my parents on-wards say Gans-P has suddenly gone mad? But thats society for you- unreasonable, biased etc.
But, I do feel like Wall-E that I have no one to hold hands with. With all my money and success and fame- how pathetic is that? So, there are Lots of dilemnas/unresolved issues to think about….